I read, in an online profile today, a man about my age say the strangest thing. I guess, to some it wouldn't seem strange. But, to me, it was, to put it simply, insane. He said, that at this age, he's learned, that you don't want to stand out. My mouth is finally closed, and the shock is wearing off.
I love when odd feelings come in two's. One night, a few years back, I was bored to tears and in a mood to be out of the house. So, I went to the movies. Now, there are some people who would find that odd. To them, going to the movies is just going from one building to another. Poor fools. I feel as sorry for anyone who finds no thrill in the art of cinema, as for those who feel no thrill in reading a great book. If fiction doesn't drive you, in my mind, you're a little like Chandler in Friends, when watching a tear jerking movie... you have no soul. Sorry if that offends anyone, but I just can't help it. When I hear someone say, or see someone type, that they don't get into fiction, in my brain, it just doesn't compute.
So, as I was saying, I went to the movies that night, and I ended up going to two different movies in two different theaters (and in two different states for that matter). The movies I saw (both for the first time), in order, were Momento and Rat Race. Now, I do love Rat Race on its own merit, but I think even fans will admit, there are some jokes in that movie which just don't play. But I'll tell you this, if you were to watch Memento first, and then watch that movie, it's the funniest thing you've ever seen. That odd combination was my first real sense of how two odd opposing sensations, can cause a cacophonous eruption in your mind.
So tonight, I read this odd little comment by a fellow online fellow, immediately after watching Mamma Mia for the first time. For the record, I'm in love with another musical. :)
But the combination of these two events, caused a desperate desire to say something I'm not sure I've ever put into words quite this way before. But like I said, what is inside of me can't be contained. So, here it is...
I want to stand out!!
All my life, I've never understood why anyone would want to blend in. I've never understood how anyone can feel happy just being like some painting hanging on the wall. I've never understood why anyone would wish to fade into a crowd. I was watching Mamma Mia, and thinking, how much I'd want to be one of those female pied pipers, the disco queens, leading those women in song and dance. If the world were a place, where people could genuinely burst into song, whenever a strong enough emotion overtook them, I would be a happy woman. And further more, I'd join into anyone's chorus who needed a little backup. Because, it's not about being the star. It's about not being just in the audience. I don't claim to be so special, that I should steal the focus wherever I go. I'd gladly be one of a few odd ducks, nestled amongst the crowd, our own little oasis of weirdness. I have my own aspirations to stardom, but they are secondary to what I'm talking about.
I've never shied away from my own strangeness. I am unusual, an acquired taste, a bizarre and brazen broad, a quixotic disaster area and I wouldn't have it any other way. I have never, nor will I ever, desire to be normal. And I would never want anyone in my life, who would want me to be normal. Now, some would argue that I've adapted to who I am, by learning to relish my quirkiness. Hogwash I say! This isn't an adaptation, this is simply who I've always been. I may never have been able to verbalize it in this way before, but I've always felt like this. Even when I was in Grade or Jr. High school, and the so-called popular kids were cruel to the odd ducks, I never wanted to be like them. I'd take their harsh treatment and still move along to my own beat.
To put this in a little context, I've wanted to be Lloyd Dobbler as long as I can remember. What I mean is, I never identified with Diane in Say Anything (though I'll gladly admit to a desire to have John standing outside my window playing "In Your Eyes"). To me, while Diane was something of a star, she was still something of a nobody. Sure, she was exceptional, but she hid away in the guise of being the good student, the good daughter, and the good role model. She was, in essence, the one all the other sheep gazing at in wonder. But not Lloyd. Sure, Lloyd loved her, but he wanted her on her terms, and in even that, he was unique. Well, maybe Corey was equally as curious to see the Diane beneath the surface, since she revealed more than surface, but going out with Lloyd.
Lily had much respect for Lloyd, as do I. Lloyd could never be anything but what he was, quirks and all, and never made any apologies for that. I want to be that way. I live to be that way.
And for the record, I'll reiterate a common point I make. It's not that I want to live in a movie world. In Cusack's movies, his odd underdog always gets the girl. I've never gotten the guy, and I won't say I don't care, but I wouldn't change it. I would never go back, and be like everyone else, to find someone else, who was also like everyone else, to love me. Screw that! I will decline into spinsterhood if I must, though I'll find my way to have fun along the way. ;) But I will never desire to fade away into normality. I am strange, I am weird, I am a geek, I am a challenge, I am a walking contradiction, I am bizarre... and so be it!!!
And to leave you with tonight, some parting words from Happy Harry Hard-on, to all who would be sheeple, because they just can’t think of anything better to do...
Now, they're saying I shouldn't think stuff like this. They're saying that something is wrong with me, that I should be ashamed. Well, I'm sick of being ashamed. Aren't you? I don't mind being dejected and rejected, but I'm not going to be ashamed about it. This pain is real. At least pain is real. You look around and you see nothing is real, but the pain is real. You know, even this show isn't real. This isn't me; I'm using a voice disguiser. I'm a phoney fuck just like my Dad, just like anybody. You see, the real me is just as worried as the rest of you. They say I'm disturbed, well of course I'm disturbed. I mean we're all disturbed, and if we're not, why not? Doesn't this blend of blindness and blandness want to make you do something crazy? Then why not do something crazy? It makes a hell of a lot of more sense than blowing you fucking brains out you know. Go nuts, go crazy, get creative! You got problems? You just chuck'em, nuke'em! They think you're moody? Make'em think you're crazy, make'em think you might snap! They think you got attitude? You show'em some real attitude! Come on, go nuts, get crazy. Hey no more Mr. Nice Guy!
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