For many years I've endeavored to find ways to improve the emotional availability of the female of the species. By trying to explain some of the root causes behind behaviors that have long puzzled men, I have made some progress to this end.
The most difficult challenge has been to define this one word for men...FINE. For many men, the true meaning of this word is a complete mystery, at least in so much as how women use it. For how men most commonly use it, it's meaning is simple... someone I'd like to sleep with. Women have also used this form of the word, but it is not their most popular use.
It occurred to me tonight, that I have been ignoring an important learning tool in my efforts, movies. Now some would suggest movies like Steel Magnolia's or Fried Green Tomatoes. And to those individuals I would suggest they get a grip. I can barely stand some chick flicks, and I don't expect most men to appreciate the ideas behind Steel Magnolia's. I'd be impressed if they managed to identify with Tom Skerritt for 20 minutes of it.
What I need to use is a movie men can appreciate, a movie they'll really pay attention to. And what should pop into my head, but the movie with the best definition of FINE thus far...The Italian Job. So here it is gentlemen, my attempt to further the communication gap between Mars and Venus, as given by John Bridger.
An interesting side note on this point. In John's world, not only do men suffer from the affliction of FINE, they are just as prone to it as women. :)
First, let me quickly give you some examples of the types of FINE's we're talking about. A few possible uses are...
I'm fine.
Of course I'm fine.
Fine, do what ever you want.
I told you I was fine.
Will you leave me alone, I said I was fine!
Now, the first section...F stands for freaked out! Here's where it begins. You did something wrong. Or maybe you didn't do something you were supposed to do. Or someone else did something or didn't do something. Or you did something that wasn't even wrong, but it made her feel a certain way. Or someone else did something that may, or may not, have been wrong, but which made her feel a certain way. Did you get all that? No, jeez, keep up, or this will take all day. Ok, just move onto the next section, I think it'll clear it up for you.
Section two... I stands for Insecure. For some reason she feels slighted and undermined. Whether for legitimate cause or unintentional slight, she feels of less importance. Even some of the most well adjusted women in the world will define their worth, to some degree, on the worth they have to others. And let me tell you something, I'm not sure that's wrong. For years they've told the insecure that you have to set your own worth, but don't we also set the worth of others from additional viewpoints we trust? For instance, if you met someone who all your friends thought was fantastic, wouldn't you be inclined to think highly of that person until you had reason to doubt that opinion? We shouldn't base our judgements on the opinions of just anyone, but if people you hold in high regard think someone is a great person, it would influence you. Back to the topic at hand, you (or whoever is responsible for her state) have done something to make her feel of less worth. And that can be very painful. This brings us to...
Section three... N stands for Neurotic. Dictionary.com's definition of neurosis is this: a relatively mild personality disorder typified by excessive anxiety or indecision and a degree of social or interpersonal maladjustment. And to them I say *raspberry*. Here's a better explanation. When someone who is important to you behaves in a manner that suggests you are not important to them, this is painful and frustrating. It is particularly difficult, if the slight is difficult to define. What I mean by that is... ok, I'll give you a good example. The old, "We went out and he didn't call me" thing. Here's the way this works. You meet, you hit it off, she thinks you're fairly cool, and you appear to feel the same way about her. Two days later, when you haven't called, she's hurt and confused. But here's the rub; are you blowing her off, or did you get busy? Was there a family/work emergency that took you out of town? Did you get sick and have been in bed for days? She doesn't know, therefore she can't be certain if she has a legitimate reason to think you're a shit head and/or wonder what she did to ruin the way you appeared to feel about her.
And that brings us to section four...E is for Emotional. Now educate me. When the hell did that become a bad word? When exactly was it decided that women had to abandon emotional response and behave in an emotionally neutral state? Who made that call, and can we throw him a blanket party? Oh wait, make that a her, you know some uber-feminazi came up with this one. Anyway, back to my point. What should a woman do when she's faced with pain and rejection. Well, she has a few options. One, she can forget about it. She can ignore whatever it was, assume the slight was unintentional and not meant to be thoughtless, and move on. I suppose there's an argument for that logic, but that's easier said than done. The other option is she can tell the person who hurt her about what she's feeling and hope they will help clarify the issue to everyone's satisfaction. Seems like the best option, doesn't it? Appearances can be deceiving.
For a woman to acknowledge her pain, she runs a serious risk of admitting she's an emotional creature with feelings and sensitivity. And of course, by doing that, she admits to being the stereotype we all fight like hell to avoid association with... a girl. If we admit it hurts us that you did something to make us feel less important to you, we're just going to be accused of doing the 'girlie' thing and making a big deal out of nothing. By acknowledging our emotions we open ourselves up to ridicule, which increases our feelings of insecurity, makes our neurosis get their own neurosis, and ultimately freaks us out even more.
While we keep telling men to admit they feel things, and to be more sensitive, we're trying to kill the sensitivity of women by making them feel childish and stupid for being sensitive. WTF are we doing?! I'm not into the touchy feely, we should all hug all the time mentality. But I'm a person who's very core is tied to her emotions, and I shouldn't have to hide that. But to protect myself, I sometimes do, even from the people who matter most to me. It shouldn't be that way. If we can all agree that every man doesn't have to be turned into Stuart Smalley, can't we also agree that we don't have to turn all women into Hillary Clinton?
And with that, class is dismissed...
© CleverTitania.com 2009
