(originallly posted on my AFF blog)
I know I’ve mentioned this before, but I adore sterling roses. And it all started with one little movie, Bed Of Roses. I love this movie, but I hadn’t seen it in a really long time. Back when I first saw it, I think I identified more with Christian Slater’s character. It was all about throwing my whole heart into something. I wanted to touch passion (and no I don’t mean touching Christian with passion 
). And I didn’t even care what I felt passion for. It didn’t have to be love I found, I would’ve been happy to simply have the passion Christian’s character has for plant life. I wanted to find someone or something that I was passionate about. That was a long time ago, but I still feel that ache.
I watched the movie again today, twice actually, though neither time at my instigation. It’s not the same thing for me anymore. Now I feel so much like Mary Stuart’s character. I keep looking for my thorns, I can feel them just below the surface, waiting to strike if I dare to reach out and touch something. I used to refer to one side of myself as pessimism girl, when I would talk to a friend. If only he knew just how big a piece she is now.
I’ve come to realize something tonight, watching Mary bustling around her office. What I want, I don’t have time for; and what I have time for, I don’t want. Work has become something of a joke, but not a funny one. Everyone keeps telling me what a great job I’m doing, how much better things are since I took over. They don’t see, they don’t realize. I’ve been treading water for months, and my strength won’t hold up much longer. The people in charge think I’m a gem, because the workload dipped enough to get things done. And despite what my employees think, it has nothing to do with me, it has everything to do with them. And many of them were here long before I was in charge. The powers that be see my frazzled state somewhat, but they don’t know just how lost I am by 5PM. It turns out, I’m a pretty good actress.
I’m tired, and I’m tired of feeling tired. I just want to stop kicking, let myself slip beneath the water’s surface. But I don’t. I just keep waving my arms and legs and waiting. I don’t even know why. I can assure you, I don’t have any hopes of a life boat happening by. Maybe it’s simply a will to endure, but I think that’s waning too.
It’s too much, and it’s too little. I don’t hate my job. I hate having to work for the kind of mentality I work for, but I don’t hate my job. That said, I don’t love my job either. In fact, I wouldn’t even say I like it. Unfortunately, I’m good at it. I should say, I’m good at doing it, not being in charge of other people doing it. So I finally excelled at something to the point where I’m trapped inside of it. I can’t quit, and I can’t find something else to do. Hell, I can’t even find somewhere else to do what I’m doing now. There are a handful of tech companies in commuting distance, and nobody is hiring. And I have a child, a mortgage, and a car payment to worry about. And while the first is the most important, the other two are fairly crucial to his own well being.
And while I was thinking about all of this, I realized something else. While I would never trying online dating a mistake (I’ve met some interesting people and made good friends), my signing up was ill timed. I have a lot of things to figure out, and I’ve spent enough years on my own so far, this is definitely not a time to pop another factor into the equation, even a non-essential one. If I can’t find a way to make myself happy, how the hell do I expect to find a way to make someone else happy, even sporadically? And the alternative is that quick dissolving happiness that is only really useful for about 20 minutes, then your head straightens out again and there’s not even a good friend to talk to when you come off of cloud 9 and a half.
Like I said, I don’t have the time for what I want, and I don’t want what I have time for. I’m not abandoning the blog, at least not in the near future. And my friends know I’ll still be around to talk. But I’m not actively developing any new ‘friendships’ at this time. I don’t know what’s gonna happen next, but I have to be realistic, though I know some would say that’s against my nature. It’s time to step back, and better to do it now than before things get complicated.
Thanks for listening, gentle readers. 
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