You Got Laid Last Night? Sure, Love to Hear the Details.

This little half of a conversation, is another perspective on a funny article about being a girl’s ‘guy friend’ in the Onion. See it here: http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/but_if_we_started_dating_it

I told you that line would work.

Wow. She sounds hot. What did she say then?

Did you wear the navy blue button up shirt I picked out for you? It really does bring out your eyes.

Yeah, our relationship is awesome. I get to help you pick out clothes and dialog that will likely get you a piece of ass when you go out trolling, and you get a backup wing-“person” when all of your guy friends are busy. It’s fantastic. Of course, I love being one of the guys. Given that I’m not a full blown hottie, and I have a more pragmatic take on things than some chicks, makes it ideal for me to be seen as the sexually androgynous girl, whom you can turn to for a female perspective.

Oh, by the way, you’re mom called. She wanted to thank me for cooking dinner when she and your dad came to visit last month. I tried to tell her you did most of the work, but she knew you could never make your grandmother’s pot roast that delicious. She also invited me to your cousin Sam’s wedding. Remember when we were kids, and he would come to stay for a week every summer? The three of us would run through the sprinklers together. Ha, yeah I was awfully flat-chested back then, in my little bikinis.

Great idea, we should be each other’s date to the wedding. That way WE can still hook up with any hotties we encounter. That’s just one of the reasons our relationship works, right? Plus, you won’t have to worry about your mom getting excited by whoever you else you might bring. She made another joke about dying without grandchildren. I keep telling her you’ll find the right girl eventually. Hmm? Yes, she said you should marry me again. She just doesn’t get why our relationship is perfect the way it is. If I were your girlfriend, you couldn’t belch in front of me, talk about the new issue of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, or ask my opinion on gifts. I mean, if I were you’re girlfriend, who would’ve warned you that edible panties are not a funny gag gift for a two month anniversary?

The company Christmas party? You know, I would, but after last year maybe it’s not such a good idea. No, I already told you I’m not mad. Look, you got a little blitzed, and you kissed me. It’s not a big deal. I’m sexually androgynous, remember? I’m just one of those cool ‘girl pals’ who doesn’t get all caught up in the smell of your cologne or the husk in your voice when you’re trying to be charming. I’m immune to that twinkle in your eyes, when you wink at me over an inside joke from our 30 year history. So what’s a little 2 hour lip-lock?

Go in on a gift for Sam’s wedding? Sure, that way we can get something nicer and not spend so much. Sure, I’ll pick it out. Yes, I know I have better taste than you. Yes, I know you’ll end up getting something awful and pissing your mom off. Yes, I know I’m super cool and you love me to death.

Hey, do you remember that pact we made when we were in college together; the, “if we’re not married by the time we’re 40” thing? What were we thinking, huh? Yeah, it’s this week. Another year closer to the big 40; that gets funnier every year. It’s ok, I knew you’d forget. Well, if you have a date, you have a date. Really, it’s ok, don’t worry about it. The other advantage to me not being your girlfriend is you don’t get in trouble for forgetting important dates like my birthday. Besides, your mom already invited me over for brunch.

• Sitting in The District again...
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• How did I get in this nutshell?

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