(Moved from my old myspace blog)
I had an interesting idea yesterday. There were some older kids giving my son and his friends a hard time. I walked out, prepared to kick ass (verbally of course) and take names, but they backpedaled quickly and took off. While I was out there, telling the boys to come get me if the older ones came back, I made a comment to them about bullying not being okay under any circumstances.
I got to thinking about the difficulties I’ve had teaching Michael certain things. I don’t like to be ‘preachy’ to him, but the idea that he could grow up not to understand certain things makes me nuts. For instance, the other day I had Torch Song Trilogy on. He walked in during the scene when Harvey Fierstein and Matt Broderick are in bed cuddling during the weekend with Ed and his wife. When he started talking about how ‘gross’ it was, I had a long talk with him. It was a good talk really. We discussed how it’s no different than a movie with a man and a woman cuddling in bed, and he was surprisingly receptive. He made himself clear, that the idea creeped him out, but that he knew there was nothing wrong with it. I figured for a 10 year old that was a reasonably accepting, and I let it go at that. With my mom’s best friend being gay, and his uncle and his boyfriend (as far as I’m concerned their married, after 15+ years together), I know he’ll never be intolerant.
But these instanced brought to mind other things that have bothered me. We had a really hard time when he wanted to join Boy Scouts. I was as understanding as I could be, but I made it clear it wasn’t going to happen. I’ve read enough about who is running that organization now and the restrictions they put on their members. I’m willing to bend on my own ethics in small degrees to alot for the fact that he’s a kid, but there are limits. I don’t worry about him being intolerant to races. He has hispanic and black friends, and to him it’s a non-issue. How cool is that? I try to keep religion a non-issue too, but his father’s influence creeps in. Basically I let him learn about whatever he wants in that regard, but I make it clear to him that they are all nothing but ideas and no one knows for sure what is ‘correct’.
So all of this coalesed in my mind on what things might still happen with him, even despite my best efforts. The biggest thing for me has always been bullying. If I ever found out he was bullying other kids, I’d freak on him. I don’t care if he’s 16 years old, he might just get spanked. I have absolutely no tolerance for that.
That brought to mind the more adult version of the idea, abuse. I’ve seen way too many movies, heard too many stories, about women who had no one else to talk to, and they were afraid to talk to their in-laws, presuming they’d side with their own son. So I came up with a plan. Even men who don’t have abusive histories or family’s can end up becoming abusive given the right mix of circumstances. Not just men of course, but the statics are unarguable that they are the most likely to become abusers.
So what can I do to make sure that never happens? Here’s my plan. I will have a talk with my daughter-in-law, when I have one. I will make it clear to her that I have no reason to believe he will ever become abusive, but just in case, I want her to know that if anything ever happens like that, she can talk to me. I love my son, and if it happens I know it will be because he needs help, which I will make sure he gets. But the first priority will be to help her, and/or the children. Imagine this. If every woman knew that her in-laws would do anything they could to help her in that situation, even to the point of helping her leave and/or involving the police, how many fewer woman would allow themselves to live in such a situation? If every man knew that his own parents would call the police on him to make sure it didn’t happen again, how many would dare hit their wife or child again?
You always hear about parents in these cases saying that their son would never do that, and I’m with them on that. I don’t believe my son ever would. But I would never presume it, and believe his wife is lying or overreacting to some small squabble that got out of hand. I would make sure that even if it was a one time thing based on a really bad argument that he knew it had better never happen again. If she was willing to get help with him and give him another chance, it would still help for him to know that I would always back her up. And I would also make it clear to her, that I will not sway or influence her decision, no matter what. If she was willing to give forgive him, I would encourage her to get him help. If she wasn’t willing to stay, then I would help her in any way I could to leave.
So this is my idea, and if anyone reads about this, I think it might be a good thing to keep it in mind for your own kids, and spread the idea. It might sound silly on the surface, that you might just give their marriage problems by putting the idea in her head that her husband could turn abusive. I understand that argument, but which is worse? That she spends some time being suspicious and worried, looking for any sign that he has a violent temper, or finding out later that she was in such a situation and didn’t get help? That, simply by ignorance you allowed your son to abuse his wife and/or children? An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, even if this country refuses to just go metric and give it up already.
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