I want to be someone’s Gerry…

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I watched P.S. I Love You tonight. I watched it with my mother. Sometimes I wonder if it reminds her of my dad, of how she felt when he died. I should ask, but I know I don’t have the guts. I’m afraid of the answer being something other than a definitive yes. I worry that it was just the idea of raising two girls alone, being so young, and all the other tragedies around that time, which made her fall apart a little. I also understand how Holly feels about her mom, and her dad; missing someone you barely remember, and wondering about a relationship you can’t really recall. Thinking about this has brought me to certain realizations, and it’s time to face some simple facts.

A friend of mine made the point recently that we all settle. I won’t argue the point, its true enough. We all settle for comfort, for security, for a clear picture of the future. But there are things we shouldn’t settle for. We shouldn’t trade the things we truly and deeply want and need, not even for convenience and comfort, and I’ve done that for far too long. The subject of tonight’s blog speaks volumes about what I need to say, but it only scratches the surface. I’ll cover that topic first though.

I want to be someone’s Gerry. I want to love someone so much, that I would be terrified of leaving them alone when I’m gone, afraid of how hard it would be for them. I want to love someone so much, that no matter how they might scream for me to leave, to prevent my knowing how much they want me to stay; I’d still make sure they knew I wasn’t going anywhere. I want to love someone so much, that I’d do all I could to help them live their dreams, even when they aren’t sure what those dreams are. I want to love someone so much, that to kiss them would be the end of life as I know it. And I want someone to love me so much…

I think I’ve always known this is what I want, but I convinced myself I didn’t want it so thoroughly, that I wasn’t willing to settle for less, at least temporarily. I was wrong, very wrong, and it’s time to accept that and move ahead.

It’s been a strange few weeks, hell it’s been a strange year and a half. So much about my world has changed. I’d become complacent, stuck in a job and a situation I hated. I had come to accept that it just was what it was, no more. Thursday night, I remembered the girl I’d been, along with all the dreams and desires she had. I’ve spent so much time trying to figure out how to make a living to support my family, how to keep the bills up while I try to finish the education I abandoned 10 years ago, and evaluating all the decisions of the last 15 years. And then I put those thoughts out of my mind, and just embraced the young Kat, the girl who knew she was meant for something special. I’ve spent the last 15 years compromising who I am, and what I want, just to settle for some comfort and consistency. I won’t look back and regret. After all, my compromises have brought me some good friends and some good times, not to mention my son. But it’s taken some things away from me too, far too many things. And now I have two choices. I can keep compromising and settling, or I can say no more. Guess what?

NO MORE!

I’m done settling for a life that’s lacking. I’m done settling for half relationships, friendships with benefits that I don’t even want that much. I’m done settling for jobs I hate and only stick with because they pay the bills. I’m done pretending that content is enough. Cause guess what?

IT’S NOT ENOUGH!

Tomorrow I’m starting a new screenplay. It’s time to tell my story. I’m going to be as truthful about myself as I can, and while I’ll change the names, if I ever make this movie, people are going to recognize themselves. I’m not even going to apologize for that. To tell my story, I’ll have to tell others’. But it has to be done. And that’s just the beginning.

Tomorrow I will also make a new plan. I’m going to keep trying to make the freelance work take care of the necessities, so I can focus on all that needs to be done. That means I am scheduling time to work on that. But if it doesn’t work, I’ll get a regular job again. But if I get to dedicate a year to doing it full time, or take a couple of classes a semester while I work, I’m going to finish my degree. I’m going to come up with an exercise plan (which includes teaching my son to play tennis), and finish what I started in 2007. And maybe it will take 3 years to lose the next 70lbs, but I won’t quit until I’m done; until I’m the me that I want to be. I’m giving myself one month. Today is April 5th, and on May 5th, I start to wean myself off of cigarettes again. And this time, I won’t quit until they’re no longer a drain on my bank account and my lung capacity. I am taking my singing voice back. And Monday morning, I sit down and figure out how to reduce our bills and start paying some stuff off.

After I lost my job, I cleared the calendar off of my PDA, removing all the appointments I gratefully didn’t have any more. It’s filling up again. I’m not going to try to do everything at once. I’m going to work my way through each part of the plan, and schedule time in the middle to do whatever it takes to keep my brain from melting, including making more changes/additions to the website, because now it’s part of the big plan; that being, becoming a full time writer.

And on next Sunday, I strip off what isn’t part of the plan. Every dating/networking site that doesn’t further me to what I want, provide me with true friendships, or wastes my time… it’s gone. I’m shutting down AFF, POF, Venus, NM Net, 420dating, FUBAR, Sweet on Geeks and Geek Passions (and if there are others I didn’t even think of, they are going too). It’s already on the PDA for next Sunday. If you are reading this on one of those sites, and you want to be able to speak to me after next week, well you better ask for a legit email address right now. The accounts will be deleted/deactivated. And the sites that do have some purpose, in generating site traffic, but end up wasting time anyway; I’m stripping out features that distract me.

I’m cleaning house kids, and it’s about damned time. I will not settle for a life I don’t want anymore. I won’t have my son, sitting with me 15 years from now, wondering if I was ever really happy. I’m going to make myself happy, and when he looks at me, he’ll know it. But more importantly, I’ll know it when I look in the mirror.

The Journey Beings!

• Sitting in The District again...
• There's things that you guess, and things that you know...
• Unreasonable Expectations
• Interwebz; input needed. Do I Bare It All?
• My (Not Entirely Biological) Ticking Clock

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