(originallly posted on my AFF SexyAds blogs)
What happens when you think you need to break up with someone, that you’re not even entirely seeing yet?
Fans of my blogs will recognize a question like that. And what those crazy devils know is, a question like that means, Titania is getting all introspective and shit. Yes folks, fasten your seatbelts. We’re going into in.
So here we go, with the odd situation I now find myself in. I’ll acknowledge, I’m talking to a couple of different guys regularly at the moment. (Hey, it’s early here, the creme will rise soon enough) One of them has become something more of just a penpal, which I always love discovering. Another is just at the beginnings of getting to know another, but might have some promise. There is a third, but he’s hard to take seriously. He’s just waaaay too into me too early on, and we haven’t even shared one of my patented 4 page long email. One of the things I’ve learned is, digging me seriously based on minimal conversation spells scammer or needy. That sounds harsh, but I think it’s a proven theory in my own history. There’s also one, who I haven’t talked to regularly for a while, but might be making a reappearance (I’m not sure he’s decided yet).
But I’m more concerned with the final gentleman right now, and I have to tell you, the denomination is not only accurate, it’s a bit disconcerting. I’ve been talking to this guy for a few weeks. The emails are long and definitely not superficial, but not the kind of stuff that leaves my brain dying to hear a response. We just had our first phone conversation last night. Basically, we’re not even remotely to the stage of ‘dating’. But I had a thought tonight, and it really surprised me. I honestly have no idea why I’m continuing to have conversations with this guy. Ok, that’s not entirely accurate. I do have an idea, and it bugs me. But I’ll get to that in the moment. Don’t worry, he’s not from this site.
Here’s why I seriously doubt even a good friendship could come of this. We have pretty much nothing in common. His profile suggested a fairly conservative guy. And yeah, we all know that’s an oil and water situation. But I think, if we had other things we shared, it could be conceivable. But he also insists that his profile isn’t a good reflection of him. Some people can’t really describe themselves well, I get that. But we began conversing, and I found out he watches one TV show that I watch, watches very few movies, and is basically like the entire main cast of High Fidelity rolled into one (in terms of musical knowledge I mean). He’s also not all that into politics, isn’t much into current events, and apparently still has the bulk of his video collection on actual video (while not having a VCR). Now, he is the drummer in a band, but they are all older people who don’t even dress like they’re in a band (there’s a pic online).
Ok, now some of you have come to know me fairly well. Does this sound like a good combination? But wait… then, there’s the phone call. You know how, when you talk to someone online for a while, and then decide to move to the telephone, you get that little knot of fear in your stomach? Come on, yes you do. It’s natural. And do you know what we’re afraid of? The awkward silence. That deafening lack of noise, where no one has thought of anything to say, or worse yet, you keep trying to let the other person start a topic and they NEVER take the initiative. Ladies and gentlemen, this was a 5 silence conversation. On five separate occasions I exhausted a current topic, and since I’d introduced the last several, I waited to see if he would have a new one to offer. He never did. Not once. And he would be an awful person to interview by the way. I took broadcasting in college, I know what makes a good interview. You need someone who will take leading questions and go somewhere with them. You need someone who won’t give one sentence answers as long as the question is broad enough. This is the kind of guy that, if you asked him to tell you about his childhood, would tell you the breakdown of his family members, including siblings and extended family. And no, there would be no cute anecdotes of those family members as he talked you through his tree. He’d just give names and what branch they fall on.
I always said, the beauty of online dating is the ability not to waste a lot of time with someone that is clearly not compatible with you. I think it’s safe to say, I have not heeded my own wisdom there. So why am I still talking to him? Because he’s not a prick, is genuinely interested, and I have started to feel like I don’t give guys enough of a chance. You see, some of the duds I’ve had in the last several months, have to make me seriously consider if I am in fact the problem. And I was thinking about that today too. Yeah, it was an introspective day. So I really went through each situation, and gauged my behavior and the behavior of the other party, and tried to dissect what the problems were. And here’s the realization I came to. It’s not my fucking fault!
OMG, that’s an amazing revelation. I’m serious, and I’m not in denial. Anyone who knows me well will acknowledge, I’m not generally dense. Sure, I have my moments, but mostly my moniker is on the nose. And I really can track every failed attempt at a relationship, and justify my actions in every situation. I cannot say the same for every man. Some were good guys that just clearly weren’t on the same wave length with me, and I think we could both agree it was a good thing it didn’t work out. But some have done some stupid crap (which both genders in my favorite chat room have agreed was stupid). But I really do believe I didn’t do anything wrong in those situations, even the levels of trust I offered based on the level of the relationship.
So I’m really feeling conflicted now. This guy that I’m talking to, he’s not a bad guy. He seems nice, sweet, like I said, a gentleman. He tried to call again tonight, but I didn’t answer. He wasn’t supposed to call again until Saturday, and I just wasn’t up for trying to drag him through another conversation. The voicemail was banal, but familiar. It read like we already talk all the time, and he was just checking in. This concerns me too. I almost feel like, in his mind, we’re already dating. The ironic thing is, in the beginning of the emails I tried to shut it down a couple of times. I kept saying I didn’t think we had that much in common, but he’d find some small commonality and embellish on it, like the fact we both adore Carlin and Lewis Black. But then I found out, the other night, that the bulk of his Carlin is on LP. This says a lot to me about where our personalities diverge. Most of my Carlin is either movies or audio books. It’s like we’re on two different formats. He’s a midi, and I’m DivX.
So now I have to decide if I keep looking for any common ground, or just walk away. It’s true, and I fully acknowledge I’m just continuing to look to prove to myself that I give a situation a fair shake. But it doesn’t mean I can abandon that behavior so readily. I admit, there’s a part of me that worries I’ll be passing up a potentially great match just because I haven’t found that unifying theory of us yet. Maybe I should set myself a time limit. Two weeks to determine if this is just a sad, “It’s not me, it’s you.” conversation, waiting to happen.
I guess we’ll just see. Good night and good luck, my friends (or Bill Maher’s new nickname for us, the winners).
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