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01 Apr 2009 | By Kat
(originallly posted on my AFF SexyAds blogs) Sep 28, 2008 9:57 pm
No prologue on this one folks. I’ll keep the inspiration for tonight’s installment to myself. At least for right now.
Touch. Gentle at first, but firm insistence and wanton need on it’s heels. Kiss. Tender to start, but soon overwhelming and burning. To be wanted. To be desired. To be… touched. How to say, how I feel, how I blaze. There are no words, and so I am silent, my breath all that is audible. A gasp, a moan, the lungs reaction to the bodies action.
Skin. So close. Each gliding with the other. Physical proxmity isn’t enough. Getting inside the skin, inside the mind, behind the eyes, hooded with want. I can’t keep them open, but it’s more than the drowsiness of the hour. Why do my eyes close, of their own volition, at the slightest touch? Slight, nothing was ever slight. Nothing was ever so in opposition to slight.
Passion! At last! So long in search, so long denied. It was there all along, I guess. Just had to find one who knew it’s meaning too. Symbiosis, a novel concept. A kiss you never want to end, an epic concept. All this time, thinking it was the strong lips I needed. Silly girl, you should’ve known better. The soft lips can deliver the strong kiss, they just have to want to touch, to want to taste. A kiss that can make any part of you quiver, depending on how long it lasts. To have made it last longer.
My body betrayed me, damn her and her lousy timing. Sleep took me, damn my body’s need for something so time consuming and demanding. And while we’re at it, damn the clock for moving too quickly, and damn the sun for coming up too soon. And damn me too, for being the less open and more self-conscious version of myself, when it mattered most.
No, no time for regret. I won’t allow it. Just memories of what was felt. Just visions of what might be felt again. Just dreams, of a kiss that goes on forever. And a deep desire, to be touched again.
Well, no prologue, but an epilogue a while later. This was one of the few close calls I’ve had to something interesting in the last year. This guy could’ve worked out, maybe even into something more than a friend, but alas it is no more. I learned a very important thing though. I learned that if a guy really isn’t interested in what I am at all, there’s no point. Let me give you a prime example in the gentleman above. I’m fairly certain he never read my blog, never read a single story I wrote, or had any particular desire to do so.
Now think about that, for just a second, my readers (when you all migrate over here from all the old blogs 
) Imagine that you knew me in the real world. As expressive as I can be live, there’s no way all of this comes out by just talking to me, unless we talk for a really long time. Now imagine I was someone you considered being close with, really getting to know. Can you truly imagine doing that without reading anything I’ve written. My writing is too big a part of me, and if someone isn’t interested in reading it, or knowing more about the other things that matter to me, that pretty much tells me they aren’t really interested in getting to know all of me. And let’s face it, the surface isn’t where the intrigue comes from, especially not with me. 
But one of these days, I’ll find someone who’ll realize how important my undercurrent is; someone who wants to know about the things that drive and inspire me.
And if you are him, and you’re somehow reading this… would you just hurry it up already? I mean, I’ve been patient for quite some time, and it’s wearing thin. But I know you’ll be worth the wait. 
Category: Relationships, Sex/Sex Education
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13 Nov 2008 | By Kat
(originallly posted on my AFF SexyAds blogs)
What happens when you think you need to break up with someone, that you’re not even entirely seeing yet?
Fans of my blogs will recognize a question like that. And what those crazy devils know is, a question like that means, Titania is getting all introspective and shit. Yes folks, fasten your seatbelts. We’re going into in.
So here we go, with the odd situation I now find myself in. I’ll acknowledge, I’m talking to a couple of different guys regularly at the moment. (Hey, it’s early here, the creme will rise soon enough) One of them has become something more of just a penpal, which I always love discovering. Another is just at the beginnings of getting to know another, but might have some promise. There is a third, but he’s hard to take seriously. He’s just waaaay too into me too early on, and we haven’t even shared one of my patented 4 page long email. One of the things I’ve learned is, digging me seriously based on minimal conversation spells scammer or needy. That sounds harsh, but I think it’s a proven theory in my own history. There’s also one, who I haven’t talked to regularly for a while, but might be making a reappearance (I’m not sure he’s decided yet).
But I’m more concerned with the final gentleman right now, and I have to tell you, the denomination is not only accurate, it’s a bit disconcerting. I’ve been talking to this guy for a few weeks. The emails are long and definitely not superficial, but not the kind of stuff that leaves my brain dying to hear a response. We just had our first phone conversation last night. Basically, we’re not even remotely to the stage of ‘dating’. But I had a thought tonight, and it really surprised me. I honestly have no idea why I’m continuing to have conversations with this guy. Ok, that’s not entirely accurate. I do have an idea, and it bugs me. But I’ll get to that in the moment. Don’t worry, he’s not from this site.
Here’s why I seriously doubt even a good friendship could come of this. We have pretty much nothing in common. His profile suggested a fairly conservative guy. And yeah, we all know that’s an oil and water situation. But I think, if we had other things we shared, it could be conceivable. But he also insists that his profile isn’t a good reflection of him. Some people can’t really describe themselves well, I get that. But we began conversing, and I found out he watches one TV show that I watch, watches very few movies, and is basically like the entire main cast of High Fidelity rolled into one (in terms of musical knowledge I mean). He’s also not all that into politics, isn’t much into current events, and apparently still has the bulk of his video collection on actual video (while not having a VCR). Now, he is the drummer in a band, but they are all older people who don’t even dress like they’re in a band (there’s a pic online).
Ok, now some of you have come to know me fairly well. Does this sound like a good combination? But wait… then, there’s the phone call. You know how, when you talk to someone online for a while, and then decide to move to the telephone, you get that little knot of fear in your stomach? Come on, yes you do. It’s natural. And do you know what we’re afraid of? The awkward silence. That deafening lack of noise, where no one has thought of anything to say, or worse yet, you keep trying to let the other person start a topic and they NEVER take the initiative. Ladies and gentlemen, this was a 5 silence conversation. On five separate occasions I exhausted a current topic, and since I’d introduced the last several, I waited to see if he would have a new one to offer. He never did. Not once. And he would be an awful person to interview by the way. I took broadcasting in college, I know what makes a good interview. You need someone who will take leading questions and go somewhere with them. You need someone who won’t give one sentence answers as long as the question is broad enough. This is the kind of guy that, if you asked him to tell you about his childhood, would tell you the breakdown of his family members, including siblings and extended family. And no, there would be no cute anecdotes of those family members as he talked you through his tree. He’d just give names and what branch they fall on.
I always said, the beauty of online dating is the ability not to waste a lot of time with someone that is clearly not compatible with you. I think it’s safe to say, I have not heeded my own wisdom there. So why am I still talking to him? Because he’s not a prick, is genuinely interested, and I have started to feel like I don’t give guys enough of a chance. You see, some of the duds I’ve had in the last several months, have to make me seriously consider if I am in fact the problem. And I was thinking about that today too. Yeah, it was an introspective day. So I really went through each situation, and gauged my behavior and the behavior of the other party, and tried to dissect what the problems were. And here’s the realization I came to. It’s not my fucking fault!
OMG, that’s an amazing revelation. I’m serious, and I’m not in denial. Anyone who knows me well will acknowledge, I’m not generally dense. Sure, I have my moments, but mostly my moniker is on the nose. And I really can track every failed attempt at a relationship, and justify my actions in every situation. I cannot say the same for every man. Some were good guys that just clearly weren’t on the same wave length with me, and I think we could both agree it was a good thing it didn’t work out. But some have done some stupid crap (which both genders in my favorite chat room have agreed was stupid). But I really do believe I didn’t do anything wrong in those situations, even the levels of trust I offered based on the level of the relationship.
So I’m really feeling conflicted now. This guy that I’m talking to, he’s not a bad guy. He seems nice, sweet, like I said, a gentleman. He tried to call again tonight, but I didn’t answer. He wasn’t supposed to call again until Saturday, and I just wasn’t up for trying to drag him through another conversation. The voicemail was banal, but familiar. It read like we already talk all the time, and he was just checking in. This concerns me too. I almost feel like, in his mind, we’re already dating. The ironic thing is, in the beginning of the emails I tried to shut it down a couple of times. I kept saying I didn’t think we had that much in common, but he’d find some small commonality and embellish on it, like the fact we both adore Carlin and Lewis Black. But then I found out, the other night, that the bulk of his Carlin is on LP. This says a lot to me about where our personalities diverge. Most of my Carlin is either movies or audio books. It’s like we’re on two different formats. He’s a midi, and I’m DivX.
So now I have to decide if I keep looking for any common ground, or just walk away. It’s true, and I fully acknowledge I’m just continuing to look to prove to myself that I give a situation a fair shake. But it doesn’t mean I can abandon that behavior so readily. I admit, there’s a part of me that worries I’ll be passing up a potentially great match just because I haven’t found that unifying theory of us yet. Maybe I should set myself a time limit. Two weeks to determine if this is just a sad, “It’s not me, it’s you.” conversation, waiting to happen.
I guess we’ll just see. Good night and good luck, my friends (or Bill Maher’s new nickname for us, the winners).
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Category: About Me, Dating, Just talking, Online Dating, Relationships
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27 Apr 2008 | By Kat
(originallly posted on my AFF blog)
I know I’ve mentioned this before, but I adore sterling roses. And it all started with one little movie, Bed Of Roses. I love this movie, but I hadn’t seen it in a really long time. Back when I first saw it, I think I identified more with Christian Slater’s character. It was all about throwing my whole heart into something. I wanted to touch passion (and no I don’t mean touching Christian with passion ). And I didn’t even care what I felt passion for. It didn’t have to be love I found, I would’ve been happy to simply have the passion Christian’s character has for plant life. I wanted to find someone or something that I was passionate about. That was a long time ago, but I still feel that ache.
I watched the movie again today, twice actually, though neither time at my instigation. It’s not the same thing for me anymore. Now I feel so much like Mary Stuart’s character. I keep looking for my thorns, I can feel them just below the surface, waiting to strike if I dare to reach out and touch something. I used to refer to one side of myself as pessimism girl, when I would talk to a friend. If only he knew just how big a piece she is now.
I’ve come to realize something tonight, watching Mary bustling around her office. What I want, I don’t have time for; and what I have time for, I don’t want. Work has become something of a joke, but not a funny one. Everyone keeps telling me what a great job I’m doing, how much better things are since I took over. They don’t see, they don’t realize. I’ve been treading water for months, and my strength won’t hold up much longer. The people in charge think I’m a gem, because the workload dipped enough to get things done. And despite what my employees think, it has nothing to do with me, it has everything to do with them. And many of them were here long before I was in charge. The powers that be see my frazzled state somewhat, but they don’t know just how lost I am by 5PM. It turns out, I’m a pretty good actress.
I’m tired, and I’m tired of feeling tired. I just want to stop kicking, let myself slip beneath the water’s surface. But I don’t. I just keep waving my arms and legs and waiting. I don’t even know why. I can assure you, I don’t have any hopes of a life boat happening by. Maybe it’s simply a will to endure, but I think that’s waning too.
It’s too much, and it’s too little. I don’t hate my job. I hate having to work for the kind of mentality I work for, but I don’t hate my job. That said, I don’t love my job either. In fact, I wouldn’t even say I like it. Unfortunately, I’m good at it. I should say, I’m good at doing it, not being in charge of other people doing it. So I finally excelled at something to the point where I’m trapped inside of it. I can’t quit, and I can’t find something else to do. Hell, I can’t even find somewhere else to do what I’m doing now. There are a handful of tech companies in commuting distance, and nobody is hiring. And I have a child, a mortgage, and a car payment to worry about. And while the first is the most important, the other two are fairly crucial to his own well being.
And while I was thinking about all of this, I realized something else. While I would never trying online dating a mistake (I’ve met some interesting people and made good friends), my signing up was ill timed. I have a lot of things to figure out, and I’ve spent enough years on my own so far, this is definitely not a time to pop another factor into the equation, even a non-essential one. If I can’t find a way to make myself happy, how the hell do I expect to find a way to make someone else happy, even sporadically? And the alternative is that quick dissolving happiness that is only really useful for about 20 minutes, then your head straightens out again and there’s not even a good friend to talk to when you come off of cloud 9 and a half.
Like I said, I don’t have the time for what I want, and I don’t want what I have time for. I’m not abandoning the blog, at least not in the near future. And my friends know I’ll still be around to talk. But I’m not actively developing any new ‘friendships’ at this time. I don’t know what’s gonna happen next, but I have to be realistic, though I know some would say that’s against my nature. It’s time to step back, and better to do it now than before things get complicated.
Thanks for listening, gentle readers. 
Category: About Me, Dating, Just talking, Movies, Online Dating, Relationships, Sex/Sex Education
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30 Dec 2007 | By Kat
(originallly posted on my AFF blog)
I want to start off by saying I love men. Even with some of the sucky I’ve known, I still hold the male of the species in high regard, and not just for their recreational possibilities. And I don’t dismiss an appreciation for a sensitive man, one who understands the value of others, and who has an appreciation for women.
That said, I’m sick to death of men telling me how divine women are and how much respect they have for women. Or worse yet, ones who give you examples to demonstrate their great admiration of the feminine. That’s like telling someone you’re a great kisser, it doesn’t mean jack until I see it in action.
It’s good to know that you’re not going to treat me like a drunken frat boy (though that might be fun one night). But stop telling me all about how much you love women and going on about your saintly mother and how much you do to look after your sisters. Now sure, these stories will be great to hear at random intervals, but that is part of getting to know one another. Through your behavior, and what I learn about you, I determine that you have a respectful nature. Don’t feed me a litany of reasons you should be made an honorary member of NOW in your initial contact.
And while we’re at it, can we can the messages detailing how absolutely I rock? I’ll gladly take comments on my blog, on my pictures, on my profile. But when you come on like Casanova trying to get in the window, lavishing with romantic compliments, on the first email…why the hell would I buy lines like that?
Do you want to talk to me? I’m game. I love a good conversation. And with any luck, we’ll hit it off, and it’ll go somewhere (somewhere quiet and with a soft bed nearby would be nice). But don’t extol my virtues or the virtues of my gender. And don’t tell me all about how much either impresses you. Start a conversation. You want to talk to me, ask a question, pose a thought, initiate some dialogue. Better yet, make me laugh.
Category: Dating, Online Dating, Relationships
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10 Oct 2006 | By Kat
(Moved from my old myspace blog)
I had an interesting idea yesterday. There were some older kids giving my son and his friends a hard time. I walked out, prepared to kick ass (verbally of course) and take names, but they backpedaled quickly and took off. While I was out there, telling the boys to come get me if the older ones came back, I made a comment to them about bullying not being okay under any circumstances.
I got to thinking about the difficulties I’ve had teaching Michael certain things. I don’t like to be ‘preachy’ to him, but the idea that he could grow up not to understand certain things makes me nuts. For instance, the other day I had Torch Song Trilogy on. He walked in during the scene when Harvey Fierstein and Matt Broderick are in bed cuddling during the weekend with Ed and his wife. When he started talking about how ‘gross’ it was, I had a long talk with him. It was a good talk really. We discussed how it’s no different than a movie with a man and a woman cuddling in bed, and he was surprisingly receptive. He made himself clear, that the idea creeped him out, but that he knew there was nothing wrong with it. I figured for a 10 year old that was a reasonably accepting, and I let it go at that. With my mom’s best friend being gay, and his uncle and his boyfriend (as far as I’m concerned their married, after 15+ years together), I know he’ll never be intolerant.
But these instanced brought to mind other things that have bothered me. We had a really hard time when he wanted to join Boy Scouts. I was as understanding as I could be, but I made it clear it wasn’t going to happen. I’ve read enough about who is running that organization now and the restrictions they put on their members. I’m willing to bend on my own ethics in small degrees to alot for the fact that he’s a kid, but there are limits. I don’t worry about him being intolerant to races. He has hispanic and black friends, and to him it’s a non-issue. How cool is that? I try to keep religion a non-issue too, but his father’s influence creeps in. Basically I let him learn about whatever he wants in that regard, but I make it clear to him that they are all nothing but ideas and no one knows for sure what is ‘correct’.
So all of this coalesed in my mind on what things might still happen with him, even despite my best efforts. The biggest thing for me has always been bullying. If I ever found out he was bullying other kids, I’d freak on him. I don’t care if he’s 16 years old, he might just get spanked. I have absolutely no tolerance for that.
That brought to mind the more adult version of the idea, abuse. I’ve seen way too many movies, heard too many stories, about women who had no one else to talk to, and they were afraid to talk to their in-laws, presuming they’d side with their own son. So I came up with a plan. Even men who don’t have abusive histories or family’s can end up becoming abusive given the right mix of circumstances. Not just men of course, but the statics are unarguable that they are the most likely to become abusers.
So what can I do to make sure that never happens? Here’s my plan. I will have a talk with my daughter-in-law, when I have one. I will make it clear to her that I have no reason to believe he will ever become abusive, but just in case, I want her to know that if anything ever happens like that, she can talk to me. I love my son, and if it happens I know it will be because he needs help, which I will make sure he gets. But the first priority will be to help her, and/or the children. Imagine this. If every woman knew that her in-laws would do anything they could to help her in that situation, even to the point of helping her leave and/or involving the police, how many fewer woman would allow themselves to live in such a situation? If every man knew that his own parents would call the police on him to make sure it didn’t happen again, how many would dare hit their wife or child again?
You always hear about parents in these cases saying that their son would never do that, and I’m with them on that. I don’t believe my son ever would. But I would never presume it, and believe his wife is lying or overreacting to some small squabble that got out of hand. I would make sure that even if it was a one time thing based on a really bad argument that he knew it had better never happen again. If she was willing to get help with him and give him another chance, it would still help for him to know that I would always back her up. And I would also make it clear to her, that I will not sway or influence her decision, no matter what. If she was willing to give forgive him, I would encourage her to get him help. If she wasn’t willing to stay, then I would help her in any way I could to leave.
So this is my idea, and if anyone reads about this, I think it might be a good thing to keep it in mind for your own kids, and spread the idea. It might sound silly on the surface, that you might just give their marriage problems by putting the idea in her head that her husband could turn abusive. I understand that argument, but which is worse? That she spends some time being suspicious and worried, looking for any sign that he has a violent temper, or finding out later that she was in such a situation and didn’t get help? That, simply by ignorance you allowed your son to abuse his wife and/or children? An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, even if this country refuses to just go metric and give it up already.
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